Transcript
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Hello everyone, thank you again for joining me on another episode of the Dorsuro Show.
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Today we have a special guest with us.
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Her name is Lysandra Bonds.
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She is a podcast host and producer who uses her passions, gifts and creativity to glorify God God.
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She's currently a single mother, raising near adverse children and also been a domestic violence survivor.
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Her life experience is both good and bad has shaped and motivated her into the woman she is today.
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She's determined to tell her story, showing how God is and the wonderful acts and miracles he's done in her life.
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By sharing her story, she desires to help others believe, to find purpose in their pain and peace in the midst of life's storms.
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Lysandra, thank you so much for coming on the show today.
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Hi.
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Thank you so much for coming on the show today Hi thank you so much for having me Absolutely Well.
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I'd like to open up with an icebreaker question, and today's icebreaker question is where did you grow up, and how did that affect who you became to?
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you became oh, okay, so I grew up in Illinois, like the suburbs of Chicago, and so I was very reserved and quiet when I was a kid, very to myself.
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I wasn't shy because I was myself when I was around people I knew, but when I wasn't, I was very reserved, very observant.
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And even to today I am very reserved and observant, but I think I'm more outgoing today than I was when I was a child.
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I'm the youngest of three siblings, so I'm the baby of the family.
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We're a family of five, so I'm the youngest and yeah, I had an okay childhood.
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The only thing that I experienced that really kind of stuck with me and altered me a little bit was when my parents got divorced around middle school and they used to argue a lot and things like that, and when my dad left the house I didn't realize how much, you know, having a relationship with him would have, you know, affected my life.
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So, yeah, that's kind of like my story and upbringing Tell us a little bit more about your story, how you got saved and you know what you know a little bit more about that before we get into your full-on story about being in a in a abusive relationship.
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Yeah, so I'm like I said.
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My parents will argue a lot.
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They got divorced around middle school.
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For me, I met my first boyfriend around my junior year of high school and, um, we met.
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We were together for a brief time and then he moved to a different state.
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We lost contact and I was devastated because of that.
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Years, years later he ended up becoming the father of my three kids and my former abuser actually.
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So we reconnected when I was in college and we were in like a long distance relationship and so eventually he moved to my state where I was living at the time, and in that relationship I suffered a lot of mental and emotional abuse.
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There was some verbal, some financial abuse as well, and then at the very end, it got extremely toxic and that's when it got physical.
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What are some of the red flags that you saw in your relationship?
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Yeah, Some of the red flags would be walking on eggshells, like in my own house, being so afraid to upset him or you know, because anything really could, no matter how hard I tried, it was always something that you know upset him.
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Or I was always being blamed for things, even things that I had no control over, things I didn't do.
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So that was a big red flag.
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Another one was his lack of self-control, insecurity, destruction of property, punching holes in the walls, different things like that.
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Also, withholding my property, taking the car keys not giving them to me, taking my phone not returning it to me, my bank cards, things like that, Even overdrafting my bank account and spending my check before I could even spend it, and that kind of goes with like the financial abuse aspect of it.
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So those were some of the red flags that I've experienced.
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How did you, did you not see, did you not said and if you know, if I'm understanding you correctly, that the same guy that you are dating or that you were in a relationship with before you had dated and then you lost contact, then you got back together with him, is?
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that correct.
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We met when we were kids.
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I was in high school.
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We met probably like the first two months of the school year.
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I didn't really have, like I didn't see any signs, there was no.
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You know, know, it was such a short span that we met and then he kind of like disappeared off the face of the earth.
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So I didn't really even get the opportunity to get to know him in depth.
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You know, really understand, like he had been through a lot.
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Even when I met him back in high school he had been through a lot.
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I didn't know any of it because it was such a brief encounter.
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The abuse didn didn't start until years later.
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So we were kids and he moves, and then we lose contact, and then I didn't regain contact with him until I was in college, almost done with college, so that was way later.
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And then, once we were in a relationship together in person, not long distance, then that's when I saw, you know, and, mind you, when I wasn't hitting me but I was still being abused, but I didn't have knowledge that abuse came in so many different forms other than physical.
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So I was like, oh okay, he's not hitting me yet, I'm okay, I just knew that he would be mean sometimes or he would treat me bad or something wasn't right, but I was kind of ignoring those red flags and even the people that were telling me wise counsel, saying, hey, this guy is not it, you know so.
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Now that you look back on it and you've, you know, studied it and learned about it, what are some of the other forms of abuse besides, you know, physical?
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Yes.
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So there's mental and emotional, and I would say for my relationship, for like majority of it, it was mental and emotional, like psychological, so like the manipulation you know, trying to control you, trying to intimidate you or kind of guilt, trip you into doing what they want, and that was majority of it making you feel like you're crazy, making you doubt yourself, things like that.
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There's also financial abuse spending your paycheck or withholding money from you.
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It could go both ways.
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Usually you would think that the man's the person who has the money and he just was withholding it from you or rationing it out.
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But in my situation I, for a majority of the relationship, was making the more money, so he would spend my money, he would overdraft my bank account numerous times to where I couldn't even buy diapers for our son because he overdraft the account and he would do that all the time.
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There's also verbal abuse, with your words talking down to you, belittling you, making you feel so small, maybe making you feel like a bad mother to your kids, you know, and let me see.
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And of course there's the physical as well, which most people identify with.
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So what are some of the reasons, or maybe barriers, that kept you in that relationship?
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So the first one was my actual love for this person, like I really did love him, I really did care about him.
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I wanted to be there for him, I wanted to support him.
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I wanted things to work out.
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So bad, but it just kept getting progressively getting worse and worse.
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Another one was, you know, my kids were very young.
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They had to be like I have three, so they had to be two, three and four at the time.
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So three kids under five having to leave and not know where I'm going, having to start over with nothing, just the fear of not knowing what's next too as well, and just becoming a single mother overnight with my kids.
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I didn't want to break up the family.
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I wanted to do things differently than my parents had they got divorced.
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I wanted all my kids to be in the same household with the same father and for the family not to be broken up.
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So that was something that really kept me in that situation, because I really wanted it to work.
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And then the last thing would be legal issues with custody.
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The oldest child is not biologically mine, so I didn't have any legal rights to her and she couldn't go back with bio mom.
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And then bio dad was struggling and she couldn't really be with him at the time and so I didn't really have any legal rights to her and I didn't want her to go to foster care because that's potentially what could have happened.
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So I was kind of stuck.
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I really didn't know what to do to kind of help her, because I wanted her to continue to stay with me but because of our difficulties with her father, I didn't know what was going to happen to her.
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How can someone identify if they are in an emotional abusive relationship?
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I would say if the person is isolating you from your family maybe they've moved you to a different city, state or country to where you don't have a support system You're so far that even if they wanted to help you, they can't, or it could just be simply them not allowing you to call your family, call your friends, or monitoring your calls, things like that.
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Or monitoring your calls, things like that.
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If they are very insecure or lack self-control, they're damaging property, they're damaging the things you value, or threatening to harm themselves, you, your children, your pets, stuff like that.
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And additionally, I would say, trying to manipulate you, trying to control you, make you do what they want, make you doubt yourself, make you feel like you're crazy, or, if they feel like they can't control you, trying to change other people's perceptions of you, making other people think that, oh, she's just crazy, and things like that.
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So those could be some key indicators that you might be in an abusive relationship.
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Those could be some key indicators that you might be in an abusive relationship.
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When did you come to a relationship with Christ?
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and how did that affect you know, how did that affect the relationship that you were in?
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Yeah, so I had always had a relationship with Christ.
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Since I was a little girl, I always had a relationship with Christ.
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Since I was a little girl, I always had a prayer life and I would say, even back to like middle school, I always prayed.
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But I think when I fully surrendered to Christ, fully surrendered and fully accepted him, was after I left that abusive relationship.
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It got so bad to where I almost committed suicide.
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I had near-death experiences and so God was showing me like, hey, this is just going to progressively continue to get worse.
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You almost died, you almost took your own life.
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How much do you want this marriage, how much do you want this relationship, and are you going to continue to put this above me?
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So I had to make a decision.
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I had to choose this man, this marriage, this relationship, or I had to choose God.
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And I chose God.
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And so after leaving that, I went from being in that one-way relationship praying to God, to being in communion, having intimacy and just taking a step back to really be quiet, to sit back, to listen, to walk in obedience and listen to the Holy Spirit and everything that God was telling me, and choosing to lead a life of obedience, because I tried it the other way and it didn't work.
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I tried it my way.
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It didn't work.
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So after leaving that relationship is when I fully surrendered to Christ.
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Now you had said earlier that you didn't see or know that you were in an abusive relationship, but then, just now, you said that you wanted to commit suicide.
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What made you go to that level where you were like, okay, I'm just going to end my life?
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Okay.
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So one day we had went to and I guess I'll just tell the story, what led up to that.
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One day we had went to the grocery store and throughout the relationship he had made me feel bad.
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He had belittled me Mentally.
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I wasn't in a great place anyway, because the whole relationship he was mentally and emotionally abusing me and I didn't even really know it and trying to break down my mind and I didn't even really know it.
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So at this point we had went to the grocery store one day and I remember he was running around the grocery store being loud, obnoxious, screaming, running around with the kids, yelling and stuff like that.
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But for some reason that day I had a lot of anxiety.
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I didn't feel like myself, I was very anxious, I didn't really want to be around people, but we needed to go to the store.
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So I was just telling him hey, can you guys relax so we can get in, get out.
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I didn't want to be there, and so one thing that I remember is when we were in the store, this was just me.
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I was thinking.
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People kept looking at me like I was crazy.
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Every person I walked past was looking at me weird, and it's probably because how I was feeling on the inside, the anxiousness was reading on my face.
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Maybe I don't know, but I just noticed and I never said anything to him.
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So when we get home I kind of ask him why didn't you just relax?
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I wanted to get in and out the store really quickly and he was like he had said to me, me and the kids were having fun.
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And he said everyone was looking at you like you were crazy.
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And I remember he had these bottle of pills in his hand and I snatched them and I blacked out at that point because I don't know, for some reason I never said anything to him.
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But that's what I was thinking when I was in the store, like why is everybody looking at me like this?
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And I guess I thought that he was right, that there was something wrong with me.
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Maybe I was crazy, I don't know.
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But after that I took those pills.
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I just remember throwing them all over the kitchen and I don't know if I was actually doing it or about to do it, but I remember hysterically crying and I was about to commit suicide by the pills.
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But it's even hard for me to remember everything, but I know I didn't swallow anything, but the ambulance was still called and I went to the emergency room.
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They checked me out, they gave me a referral for therapy services and I remember he came to the emergency room and the first thing, one of the first things he said to me was don't tell like this is us, don't tell your family about this.
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And I had never told anyone about it.
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But that's kind of like what happened leading up to it, like he made me feel like I was crazy.
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I already was kind of thinking it and I just kind of lost sense of reality in that moment.
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Where can people get help if they are experiencing abuse?
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I would say the first thing is to tell someone and it could just be telling a family member, a friend, a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist Look into your community and see what's available.
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There are a lot of clinics and things that focus specifically on domestic violence, so I will start there.
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I can also share the National Domestic Violence Hotline information as well.
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It's 1-800-799-7233.
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And that's a 24-7, 365 free resource that's available to people who might need it.
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What was your way of escape?
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My way of escape, I always say, is Jesus Christ, because he just gave me chance and chance after chance.
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I feel like I was ignoring every red flag.
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He sent people to me to tell me, hey, this is not okay.
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And I was still like, no, you don't know what you're talking about.
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But he allowed me to leave that situation with my life, with my children, with my sanity and my right mind.
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And I know some people they died in it or they left, but they're severely mentally ill and they can barely function or they have PTSD.
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And I'm just grateful to God that he spared my life.
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He was my way of escape and just my faith and belief that he would provide for me, he would make a way.
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Even though I had left with nothing, he continued to take care of me and he was my way of escape because I feel like he gave me a choice and I just chose him.
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At the end of the day, what was it like, finally, you know, making up your mind and making that decision to leave.
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It was hard, I'm not going to lie.
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It was extremely hard.
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We became pretty much homeless.
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I didn't have a place to live.
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I had to move three or four times before I was able to get my own place, with my kids, mind you.
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Living with different people, with three small kids kids are loud, kids are running around, people get annoyed really quickly it was really hard for me.
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It was really hard for me.
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No-transcript forgiveness of him.
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We're not together, nor will we be together anymore, but we still have kids, so he's still a part of my life.
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So I'm grateful to God that he's allowed me to reach a space of healing to where I could fully forgive him for what he's done to me.
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And how did that healing come about?
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Was it through the therapy or was it through something else?
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I think it took time.
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I know for four years we were not in contact.
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We had like a order of protection, like a restraining order, so for four years, me or the kids, we were not in contact with him.
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So it took time.
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I think it was a combination of going to therapy and my relationship with Jesus Christ ultimately has helped me be able to reach that place of peace and that freedom, because there's freedom and being able to forgive a person.
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So I think it was a combination of all those.
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What are some of the key takeaways that you would want my listeners to remember?
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The first thing is that your life matters and that you should never be ashamed to tell your story.
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That could be the very thing that leads someone else to Christ, that makes someone else have hope or be encouraged.
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So don't be ashamed to share your story.
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Shame to share your story.
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Another thing would be that abuse comes in so many different forms, and it's important to not ignore those red flags in relationships.
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Additionally, sometimes therapy is necessary, and I think it's very important for us to get that professional help that we need in order to be able to fully heal, because the abuse, that's not the end of your story and there is life after abuse.
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And then I think the last thing would be that Jesus loves you, that he doesn't desire you to be abused, and he just desires us to surrender to him.
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So if you're leading a lifestyle that doesn't glorify him, repent for that, turn from that and make a decision.
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Make a choice.
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Like me, it was life or death.
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It was this man, this marriage, this relationship or Christ, and I had to choose him because my way wasn't the right way.
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I always ask my guests to give an encouragement to my listeners as well, as we get ready to close.
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I would say that know that you're not alone.
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A lot of people are experiencing the very same things that you are.
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But, like I said, just tell someone.
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Tell someone, because abuse thrives in isolation and darkness and in silence, but when you open your mouth, there's power in that, so you shouldn't have to endure and go through this alone.
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Tell someone what you're going through and begin to look to God as your source not this person, but God, amen.
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Well, Sandra, thank you so much for coming on the show today.
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Yes, thank you so much for having me.
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I appreciate it.
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Is there a way that people can connect with you if they want to speak with you, or they have a way for you to speak to them as?
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well, yes, I have a podcast.
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It's called Her Desired Haven and my website is herdesiredhavencom.
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I will put that in the show notes as well, and thank you, guys and girls, for coming on the show and listening.
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I hope you enjoy this message and hopefully you are not in an inclusive relationship and if you are, that you have the ability to get out of that.
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And please check out my website as well, wwwdorseyrossshowcom.
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And until next time, god bless, bye-bye.
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